MINEOLA, NEW YORK – As the federal government enters the 14th day of being shutdown, a number of employees who are considered ‘essential’ are still working. However there is one caveat: they’re not being paid.
“Yeah, like, I have absolutely no [expletive] idea when I’m going to get paid. This is technically my 4th day of overtime this month, and it’s only January 4th. Welcome to New York Center, you know?” said an air traffic controller who wished to remain anonymous.
For some, they are convinced they will be paid; eventually. However, for many, going weeks on end without pay means having to resort to other methods of income, like Dave Olson, controller at the Westbury TRACON control tower.
“I recently purchased a nice, entry level, fixer-upper in Mineola. You know, I thought, hey, I’m a single guy, so I’ll keep my house and budget small. The house was only $1.4 million, and luckily for me, with the STAR credit from New York State, my taxes are great; only $38,000 a year, and the school district is even above a 2 out of 10.”
However, little did Olson know, his income would come to an abrupt halt thanks to the the recent government shutdown.
“It’s sort of a problem, you know? Like, even with my 12 days of overtime a month, I still live paycheck to paycheck. So I thought, I can’t go on not knowing when I’m going to get paid. There has to be some other way. I think I’ve found it.”
Olson started selling his sperm to make up for the deficit building in his checking account.
“People thought, you know, this is crazy, but it’s really worked. All I did was go to Google and download pictures of the hottest guys I could find, and then said I was in ‘perfect health’, and posted on Craigslist. I got like 10 e-mails in the first day. It was awesome.”
So far, it has paid off financially, too.
“I have been able to make what I’d make at work. So I’m happy. Admittedly, yeah I mean, some parts of my body have been a bit ‘overused’ if you know what I’m saying, but I think I could do this for a while.”
With thousands of air traffic controllers and other essential government employees working without pay, Olson wonders how much longer he’ll have to do this for.
“I’d like to get some sort of time-frame, to be honest, yeah. At this point, I even changed my job title on Tinder from ‘air traffic control specialist’ to ‘sperm donor’, in an effort to be funny and have a little self-pity. Actually to much of my surprise, my matches went up by like 360%. So, hey, it’s been a real win-win. I just hope eventually we do get paid. There are only so many videos on PornHub, you know what I’m saying?”
This is a developing story.
Check back later, as we are trying to get an interview with a woman who is actively trying to sell her entire neighbors pets that she kidnapped.
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