WASHINGTON – Calling it a ‘monumental achievement for both patriotism and transportation’, President Donald Trump announced on Monday that the entire National Airspace System of the United States would be closed to all flights on Independence Day. Amidst hostility already brewing from a week of controversial Twitter posts, Donald Trump took to a more conservative approach to announce the news: an e-mail to airline executives. “In an effort to increase the public’s awareness of the Fourth of July Independence Day holiday, and in an effort to boost an industry I deem to be unfake [sic], all commercial aircraft to, from, and within the United States are to be grounded on Tuesday,” the e-mail stated. It went onto mention other rather curious topics: a brief history of American innovation in aviation, the benefits of a more isolated approach to globalism, favorite foods of the president, and finally, why he would have mentioned all of this on Twitter, but his advisors told him not to, and in fact later changed his password. After a 7-paragraph regression analysis on why password requirements are unnecessary, the e-mail then seems to collectively wish
people a happy 4th of July, before trailing off in a strange tirade about CNN. Numerous sources scrambled to alert passengers, many of whom plan to travel on July 4th to visit family and friends. “I don’t know, really. I mean, I voted for this guy, but I had a business meeting in Duluth, and now I can’t get home to Miami. I was supposed to fly back Tuesday morning,” said passenger Derek McFadden, hopelessly fumbling with his smartphone and a barrage of text messages as he spoke with our reporter at the Arrowhead Tap House in the Duluth Airport. While the announcement seems to be slowly making it’s way to passengers, even members of the industry seemed rather bewildered at the notion of closing the entire airspace system.
“This is an unprecedented move of both brazen tenacity and risk”
“This is an unprecedented move of both brazen tenacity and risk, and quite frankly I am not sure what this is supposed to prove or even do, besides maybe make fireworks displays a little less cluttered with air traffic,” said one financial analyst who wished to remain anonymous. Some even expressed concern as to the feasibility of such a feat. “We have over 50 flights scheduled for tomorrow coming from international destinations. We are currently trying our best to notify the airlines at these departure points, because we are unsure if they have been given the news,” said Roger Hagendorf, spokesperson for Boston’s Logan International Airport. Many passengers have since taken to social media to express concerns to airlines, some of which have yet to contact passengers.
This is a developing story.