Airlines Retire Dash-8 Due To Government Chemtrail Mandate

ATC memes dash-8
A Dash-8 sits on a tarmac. The Dash-8 has been retired due to a government mandate requiring more chemicals in the atmosphere.

(SALISBURY, MD) – With two propellers whirling, and with a low, droning tone of pure aviation power, the last Dash-8 to ever be used for passenger service in the United States touched down at the Baltimore airport Sunday, in what will mark the end of a historic era in aviation.

“This, this is truly a moment I will not forget,” said Robert Rogers, senior pilot for multiple airlines (most of which have filed for bankruptcy), who has over 50,000 hours logged in the Dash-8 as a first officer.

“I guess I never got upgraded to captain, but I will always remember the things I learned in this aircraft, like dealing with hot, uncomfortable spaces for long periods of time, all while barely making any money and dealing with passengers who would rather be unconscious.”

A Boeing 737 sprays chemtrails high above the ground

    A Boeing 737 sprays chemtrails high above the ground

The Dash-8 is just another casualty in the federal government’s historic plans to increase the amount of chemicals sprayed into the atmosphere by 50% by 2021, as mandated by the Trump administration.

“President Trump has made it increasingly clear that the number one priority of his administration is to anger Canadians and re-spark the sales of Elton John CDs, but there are other factors at play here, like global warming,” said Heather Grande, spokesperson for the Department of Transportation. “Global warming, which of course doesn’t exist, will at least be better controlled with more high altitude sprayers,” she continued.

Since the early 60s, the governments of the world have been cautiously spraying high altitude, highly volatile chemicals from commercial aircraft. These chemicals, also known as ‘chemtrails’, are specifically engineered to have desired effects, such as to better control the population, prevent diseases, and convince people that Radiohead is actually a talented band. But recently, research has shown that chemtrails can also have a very significant effect in blocking the effects of global climate change.

There’s a problem, however: the propeller driven aircraft like the Dash-8 do not fly high enough for a uniform, even spray over mass populations. Because of this, the US government has mandated that numerous airlines retire them from service.

“Some guy basically pulled up in a black SUV and said ‘get in’,” said one airline executive, who asked to be unnamed for fear of retaliation. “He told me, get rid of your Dash-8s, or I’ll outsource all of your most profitable routes to Air Koryo, or even Allegiant.”

“At that point, I knew I had no choice.”

“I’ll miss the Dash,” said Nikki Paulson, a flight attendant who was on the Dash-8 for most of her career. “But after getting hit on by so many pilots, I’m looking forward to flying in an aircraft that will eventually not require any,” she said, showing us a picture of an Airbus A350 on her smartphone.

As of 2017, over 10,000 flights spray chemtrails per day.

“It’s a real honor to be able to do this,” a senior captain for a well known airline told us. “Sometimes, when I go home, I’ll look up at the sky, and I’ll just say to myself, ‘man, that’s just so beautiful’. And then I breathe deeply, and know we are doing God’s work,” he said, before entering into a raging coughing fit which subsequently forced us to end the interview early.

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