(LAS VEGAS, NEVADA) – After nearly 4 weeks of a tense government shutdown and standoff, the United States federal government was officially open for business, after swift compromise was made on Monday afternoon.
“This is truly a historic day for our nation, and truthfully, for the world,” said a reporter who had just exited the chambers of Congress.
Since the beginning of the shutdown that put thousands of people out of work, and left many others simply without pay while on the job, there has been speculation that no side would compromise. Luckily, while this was true, and continues to be the case (and is actually getting worse), there was an unlikely hero to stopping the shutdown this time: Mexico.
“Basically, discussions in Congress weren’t getting anywhere. It would start with like, you know, someone asking how much funding we need for things like Medicare, or social security, and the next thing you know, someone shouted something, and before you know it, someone is calling someone a dickhead, and flipping them off while making chicken-like motions. I mean, it’s unreal. Completely out of control,” said one senator.
“It is like dealing with a safety convention in Las Vegas, but without the alcohol.”
Luckily though, today, that all ends.
“Mexico had made it very, very clear that they wanted nothing to do with a southern border wall. However, in the final hour, we all made an agreement.”
The solution was simple.
“We invited Mexico to a discussion, and we all put our differences aside. We basically asked ourselves; Democrats, Republicans, Mexicans: what do we all hate equally?” he said.
In the end, the answer was simple: Allegiant Air.
Mexico and the members of the 116th US Congress agreed in ‘near record time’, that while a southern border wall was out of the question, building one around the Allegiant Air HQ was ‘simply a no brainier’. In this agreement, all sides signed the deal, which included a provision for funding the federal government.
“Look, I’m all for national security, but nobody should have to subject themselves to the torture that is flying Allegiant. This is a good day for negotiations, and a good day for humanity as a whole,” said one Republican from Arkansas.
We reached out to Allegiant for comment, but their phone system appeared to be inoperative.
“They really did a good thing here. This is the first time in nearly two decades that we passed legislation without someone using the phrase ‘go fuck yourself’. So, yeah, a major win if you ask me,” said a Democrat from California
With this much progress made, many are optimistic that the United States will finally be able to negotiate and agree on many topics that have been debated endlessly for years.
Next week, the 116th Congress plans to tackle and finally settle other issues, such as the question of if Maroon 5 should actually considered a group of musicians, and whether or not ‘Birdbox’ was a decent movie.
This is a developing story.