ATC Memes
WESTCHESTER, NY – After years of struggling with crippling anger, local air traffic control specialist Derek Loudon graduated from an intensive, 6-month anger management program with huge success last Friday.
“It really is just beyond our wildest dreams, how well he has been able to readjust,” Said Mark Goldberg, supervisor at White Plains. “I am so proud of Derek. To be honest, it’s nice to know we don’t need these 135dB rated soundproofed walls for his non-stop and unintelligible rants.”
“Derek has really shown the world that air traffic control is not the stressful, trying profession that many think it is,” said Andy Tien, facilities representative for the Wand Wavers Association. “He’s made great progress, and to be honest, I don’t even check my car to see if it’s been keyed these days.”
In the months leading up to Loudon’s treatment, his irate and incomprehensible ramblings about staffing, weather, trainees, food options in the cafeteria, and letters of agreements would usually make shifts with him unbearable. A large 7110.65 binder that is still partially embedded into the ceiling above the supervisors position reflects the sheer force that was applied upon the otherwise innocent object during one of his notoriously terrifying tirades.
But recently, that’s all changed.
“Yeah, I mean, he’s doing much better,” said one co-worker. “This morning he told me to go fuck myself, but he only did it once, which is just a world of improvement. It’s really incredible.”
“This morning he told me to go fuck myself…”
It is estimated that as many as 20% of air traffic controllers suffer from ‘persistent idiopathic systematic and sensory enraging disorder’, or PISSED, as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, 5th Edition. “PISSED manifests itself in many ways, but it most notably causes people in the air traffic control community to get increasingly belligerent and angry at small and otherwise unimportant aspects of their job,” said clinical psychologist Marvin Denison. The DSM goes on to mention real world examples; in one case mentioning how a controller pushed a man down the stairs of the control tower after he said “roger” instead of “wilco”, and one instance in which a 25-year veteran controller used over 50 words considered ‘profanity’ in the English language on a land-lane coordination conversation that otherwise could have been 5 words long.
Perhaps the most frightening aspects of PISSED is it’s overall prognosis; in many cases, without treatment, it seems to get worse.
Perhaps the most frightening aspects of PISSED is it’s overall prognosis; in many cases, without treatment, it seems to get worse. Numerous stories exist of people starting training happy and healthy, and ending their careers by cursing out their co-workers, flipping off cameras, and using vocabulary that would make UrbanDictionary.com look like a children’s reading section of the local library.
As for Derek Loudon?
“One time the tech ops guys installed a new monitor for our ATIS position (a weather related computer), and Derek got so mad he literally poured his coffee on the machine. ‘Look at that rain now, bitch!’ he said,” said a co-worker, making imitating motions with his visibly shaking hands. Apparently, he didn’t like the sound it made when the system loaded a new weather report.
In another instance, Derek took all of the trainees out to the bar after work, and ended up smashing a Bud Light bottle over one of their heads after the answer to his question, “what is the purpose of air traffic control?” was answered with “keeping the public safe.”
The official police report mentions multiple by-standers reported other phrases they heard, such as, “what are they teaching you at the academy?”, and questions on who ‘owns’ altitudes over latitude and longitudes that went down to the millionth of a degree.
The good news however, is that PISSED can be treated.
After numerous, controlled, double-blinded studies, it has been shown that many therapies exist that can help people with PISSED live relatively normal, productive lives.
“Although most of these people will always struggle with their condition, at least they can become contributing members of society and limit throwing headsets into windows and kicking over chairs to once or twice per week, as opposed to many times per hour in some of our worst untreated cases,” said Dr. Abhishek Kahdri, director of organizational psychology at Colombia University.
And as for Derek?
“I mean, I fucking feel better, yeah. But why the fuck would you ask that? Like, you know, that’s not even funny. Fuck, like yeah, hold on a second WHO THE FUCK TOLD MARK HE COULD BANG IN,” Derek said, trailing off into some tirade about sick leave, before slamming his first onto the console so hard, it reset one of the ASDE scopes.
“yeah, sorry, look, I am doing better, but why the FUCK did Marvin think he could wear that yellow shirt again? Fuck, he looks like a god damn school bus. This is ridic-HEY ASHLEY, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR TRAINER?!”
The conversation went on like this for a while, but Derek was finally able to tell us how much better he feels after his intensive therapies.
“I feel a lot more in control. Definitely will help on the job, as well. By the way, Ricky, when in ALL FUCK are we going to change that FUCKING MBI?!”
When asked why it would help him, Derek changed.
‘What do you mean, HOW will it help? I am already the best controller. Look, ok turn these off. Turn these FUCKING cameras off! You want a piece of THIS SHIT?!”
The audio from the interview was then heavily distorted, but the sounds of debris flying through the tower cab can be heard for approximately 4 seconds before the .WAV file ended.
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