6 Surprising aviation uses for Apple Cider Vinegar.
Apple Cider Vinegar…what doesn’t it cure? Some holistic pundits will say that it does everything from lowering blood sugar, to curing impotence. For this article, I’ll limit it to uses in the aviation industry.
1. It can be used to dissipate chemtrails
Tests dating as far back as the early 1950’s showed promise in regards to using Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) to combat the mind altering chemtrail solution. First developed by the Canadian government, the aerosol version of ACV wasn’t overly successful in combating the more potent chemtrail mixtures of the time period. The ACV solution they were using was too diluted. They were unknowingly filtering out “The Mother”, which as any grandmother, or millennial hipster will tell you, “is where the ACV gets it’s magic”. French Canadian scientist Lou Pastor, was the man that cracked the secret, and was able to sythesize the proper solution. It’s still a chemical secret that Canada won’t share with anyone, especially their neighbors to the south. It’s for this reason you’ll never see chemtrails in Canadian airspace.
2. It’s used as a bird repellant.
For centuries, ACV has been used as a bird repellant. The first recorded use was by Native Americans in the Death Valley area of the United States. Every warrior would have some ACV with them to ward off attacks by vultures. In modern times major air carriers buy ACV by the metric ton. Airframes are sprayed down with ACV daily. In the winter months, when apples are out of season, most airlines run out by mid winter. That’s why you see the majority of bird strikes in mid January. Many low cost airlines can’t afford to buy ACV. These airlines are gambling with the lives of their passengers, and frankly are endangering innocent animals.
3. It’s used as a beauty treatment.
Many flight attendants use ACV both internally and externally to aid in healthier looking skin. In a profession where looks matter, many of them use whatever they can to keep an edge over the competition.
4. It’s used to cool “Hot Brakes”.
Both civilain and military firefighters alike, use ACV to cool hotbrakes. Diluted ACV doesn’t work, it has to have “The Mother”. There was an incident at Barksdale Air Force Base a few years back, where airmen assigned to the Crash Crew were siphoning off ACV and selling it on the dark web. A general court martial was convened and the airmen in question received prison sentences ranging from 15 to 20 years and are currently serving their time at Ft. Leavenworth.
5. It’s used as a way to get rid of genital warts.
Let’s call it what it is…Pilots are dirty mofos. They go around from city to city, defiling the local population of prostitutes. Crash pads are disgusting, and the amount of DNA on the average bed spread would make even David Caruso squeamish. Think about it. Let’s say you have your average mainline first officer, and he has a layover in Orlando for the night. He’s gonna go cruise Orange Blossom Trail, and pick up a street walker. He’s most likely gonna pick up something else. Now most of the stuff you can take penicillin for, and it’s actually easy to explain to the wife why she has to take antibiotics for YOUR urinary tract infection. Harder to explain are “Love bumps”. For those, you just douse a cotton ball with some ACV and duct tape that mother to your affected area. Repeat the process every day, and after about two weeks, that little button will just fall off.
6. It’s used to mask drug use.
A great deal of aviation professionals like to “Party”. Obviously almost all airlines perform random drug tests. A well known fact among cocaine aficionados, is that if you have an appropriate level of ACV in your blood stream, then even if you were riding the rails all night, you’ll come up negative on any drug test that are currently in use.
Well there you have it, ACV isn’t just for old people with diabetes and eczema. Anybody can benefit from having a bottle around. Be sure that you don’t cheap out and buy some generic brand. Go with Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar, it’s the best, and it always has “The Mother”. Cheers and Dilly Dilly Y’all.
If you liked this article, then check out our coverage of sexual harassment aboard a major airline…