Hope all of you are having a safe 4th of July. I’d like to take the chance to reward all of you for being such great fans of the site, so grab a drink and sit down, because Captain has a story to tell.
*Note: Names have possibly been changed to protect the innocent and the scandalous alike.
A few years ago I had an overnight in Tampa. It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of Florida rainstorm that you don’t know if you’re balls are wet from the torrential downpour, or from the jungle heat in your crotch. I was just arriving at my hotel and I saw another FO in the lobby. He was still wearing his uniform trousers, and a Tommy Bahama shirt. I only kind of knew him, and most of that was from reputation. Everyone called him “Jake the rake”, and not because he was a poker expert. As the story goes, he invited some of his pilot buddies to his house to play some Texas Hold ‘em, and decided to take a rake. This was a casual game amongst friends, not something out of “Molly’s Game”. Pretty douchy even for a Luke Mafia guy. He recognizes me and greets me with a casual head nod and “whats up bro?”. I reply to his hail in like fashion and set down my bags. “What are you getting into tonight man?”, he asks. I say back to him in his language “Not much, just gonna drink some Woodford and crack some stick…not necessarily in that order”. He laughs. “Great, I’m partying with the three amigas in my room if you want to stop by”. I knew of the “Three Amigas” but had never personally met them to my knowledge. They were three flight attendants, and I heard that they liked to party. I figured what the hell, why not. We exchange room numbers, and I headed up to my room to change. As I was dressing after a quick shower, I played some music on my phone to get in a party mood. I hit shuffle, and let the Gods decide. I soon realized as I skipped though the songs that I have far too much Ace of Base in my library and don’t stop until I get to “Mr. Brightside”. Perfect, just the song I need to fit in with this crowd. I finish dressing and head to the elevator.
As I approached his floor I could feel the air teeming with Douchy energy…I knew I was close. I knocked on his door, and heard a woman’s voice say, “Just a minute”. A moment later she answers. I’ll refer to her as McNulty, because if you cut her bleach blond hair short and dyed it brown, she’d be a perfect match for Jimmy McNulty from the wire. To be honest, I’d still fuck her. I enter the room and see Jake sitting on his bed near the headboard, alongside a woman that I’ll refer to as “Chubs”. Now, before you blast me for fat shaming, I’m calling her “Chubs” not for her weight (which was about a buck ninety BTW), but because she was so ugly that fucking her is equivalent to landing runway 26R at IAH. Sure I’ll take that runway in a pinch, but I’m not gonna be happy about it. The third woman was in the bathroom. I take a seat on one of the chairs and set my bottle of Woodford down on the table. At this point Jake notices my Rolex GMT II and proceeds to give me shit for wearing such a common watch. I take his roasting, not because I agree with what he’s saying, but because he’s a senior FO and has a reputation for paying top dollar for swaps. He stretches out his arm to show off his IWC “Big Pilot”. Now this watch is badass, and beautiful at the same time, but remember…It’s being worn by a douche in a Tommy B shirt and his uniform pants. Fuck him. Does his watch cost like $3,000 more than mine? Sure. I’m still wearing a Rolex (a Pepsi BTW) that my wife bought for me when our son was born. She secretly got on a waitlist and snagged one from an Authorized Dealer and surprised me, so it’s fairly special to me. So fuck him. As he continues to roast my taste in watches, I pour some bourbon into a plastic cup, and the third woman emerges from the bathroom. I’m not gonna say that she was beautiful, because that’s not quite the right adjective. She was that kind of chick that’s “work hot”. She had a sexiness to her that you only find in solid 8’s that are also your coworkers. Either way, I was gonna give my prostate a workout later thinking about her. I make chit chat by asking where their Captain is. They say that he went down to Ybor with some other Captains. I regale them with a story about the last time I was in Ybor years past. I ended up eating a cuban sandwich and drinking too much at an Irish pub and puked in the street. They begin to chide me on about drinking at an Irish pub in Ybor. In their defense, they were right. The hot chick senses that I was getting beat up a little much and decides to lessen the pain by sitting on my lap. This visibly upsets Jake. She is the prize and as senior FO, she is his by right. He says to her, “Aww, I thought you said you were mine tonight”. She responds, “No man owns me. All I said was that I was gonna give you head”. When I first started with regionals I was always surprised when FA’s fucked douche pilots. Now I am a seasoned Pilot with the majors, and nothing about FA’s surprises me. Sensing a Blow Job is still in his future he calms down a bit and takes a confident posture. “I don’t suck dirty dick though. You gotta go wash it”, she says. The room is silent. Are we all gonna watch this chick blow this guy in front of us? “It’s clean. I don’t have no dirty dick”, he replies. “Come over here and let me see it”, she says. Am I gonna let this chick blow him while sitting on my lap? I feel in someway that makes me a bitch. Am I wrong? Is this cheating on my wife? This is a gray area to say the least. He gets up and walks over to us. Now, I obviously don’t like this guy, but I gotta say when he whipped his dick out, it actually is a decent size. Good for him. She leans towards him and sniffs from a distance, “Eww, you got that durrtay dick. Go clean it and I’ll suck it”. It was very awkward to watch his dick twitch at that statement BTW, but I should have never been looking directly at the dick, so It’s my own fault. The other two begin to speak up coaxing him to the shower, “Dude all you gotta do is go wash it real quick. Just jump in the shower”, they say. He complies and we spend the next few minutes chit chatting about who the fuck cares. They hear the shower turn off and Hot Chick and Chubs head into the bathroom. I hear “ohh, I get both of you” from him before the door closes. A younger unmarried me woulda given McNulty the “wanna fuck?” head nod, but I actually love my wife. Plus, she looked like a dude. Suddenly I hear the strangest yelp from a man that has ever been made. The two women rush out of the bathroom and Hot Chick runs down the hallway. I see Chubs run a solid blocking scheme on the fully nude Jake. I jump up thinking that maybe I’m in someway part of a rape, and try to leave, but all the commotion at the door makes that impossible. “Dude, calm down. Just pay us some money and we’ll delete the picture” says Chubs. At this moment she and McNulty both receive texts from Hot Chick. The contents…a picture of a full nude Jeff with a woman on her knees gripping his peen. Blackmail at it’s finest. McNulty shows me the pic. They have him dead to rights. He’s the perfect amount of rage and fear as they explain to him that all he has to do is pull money out of the ATM and they will delete the pic. I think to myself, “That’s a lot of work for like $400”. Then Chubs shows Jake how to up his daily limit to $1,500 on Bank of America’s website. They have him pull out $1,460 (which took two transactions BTW) because the ATM fees fall in with the daily limit. Then they came back to the room and waited till midnight and made him do it again. $2,920!!! These are some cold blooded people man. I was asked to stay so they all acted in good faith. What the fuck did I do to help the situation? It’s not like I was the town sheriff or something. It was fucking weird to say the least. Watching him on the bed pout while we waited for midnight was both the best and the worst. Fuck him for his Rolex comments earlier, but as a bro…damn, that sucks bro. To their credit, once the $2,920.00 came their way, they had him delete the pics off their phones and he met up with Hot Chick in the lobby and did the same to hers. I rode up with him in the elevator back up his room, and before he went in his room and slammed the door he said (rhetorically I’m guessing), “You could’t have fucking helped bro?”. I went back down to my room and passed out. I’m not gonna lie, I got kinda fucked over too. I forgot my bottle of Woodford in his room.
If you enjoyed this story then you’re gonna love hearing about how Gulfstream Pilots are the Axe body spray of aviation.